


and i wonder, is it better to get it over with?

by unsaved_misc



Category: Video Blogging RPF, supermega
Genre: Crying, Eating Disorders, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, sensory issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:22:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28522347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsaved_misc/pseuds/unsaved_misc
Summary: “can i come in?” jackson sounded somewhat serious and that scared the shit out of matt, because he could already tell jackson knew.
Relationships: Jackson Tucker/Matt Watson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	and i wonder, is it better to get it over with?

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyy i wrote this just to explore different topics etc etc its sad but i tried to give it a happy ending!!! i hope u enjoy if u do read :D

matt couldn’t remember the last time he ate anything. he could feel the shakiness beginning in his limbs, making it hard to grab heavy objects or keep himself standing for more than five minutes, which was why he found himself laying in bed at 12 pm. the light from midday crept across his carpeting, slitted from the blinds, illuminating his room just barely. he wanted to get up and draw the curtains but he couldn’t bring himself to it, afraid he’d fall and be found hours later. that would’ve been even more embarrassing than this. his roommates  _ had  _ to have been catching on by now, watching matt pass by like a ghost. it started on thursday, where he was feeling peppy and bright, volunteering to help harrison make dinner. matt knew it would be a risk, thinking of how he’d flinch away and gag whenever he touched something remotely wet, but he was feeling good about himself. cooking with your friends is always a fun experience, even with sensory issues. 

however, something shifted, unexpected and unwelcome. these phases always came at least once a month, twice if his mental health was worse than usual, an entire week where he didn’t want to eat or touch anything. matt had been formally diagnosed with avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder when he moved to california, too afraid to ask his parents to see a therapist when he was back home. matt didn’t want to be seen as weak. he’d gone to therapy for two days before quitting and walking out in tears, cancelling later in the day when he was curled up in bed with a blanket. he hated how the therapist stared at him, his eyes expectant and penetrating, watching as matt stared down at his lap. it felt more like a doctor’s office than a therapist’s, maybe even a prison. matt had been balancing his issues ever since, toughening up during his rough patches and attempting to have a steady diet when he felt okay. however, he was stuck  _ deep  _ in a phase right now, and he could not see himself getting out of it anytime soon.

since thursday, matt had been consuming water bottles and ibuprofen like a vacuum cleaner, taking frequent trips to go pee and wincing at the unnatural color. it was gross, but it was a telling sign that made him feel guilty for not eating right. technically, not eating at all. he’d spend most of the time in his room, too embarrassed to even look at his friends. thankfully, it was the weekend, which meant no recording, but matt was dreading when monday would come. playing video games with ryan for six hours would definitely give him away, and he was terrified ryan would bring it up. they both had their own issues, but ryan always made sure to check in on matt during his scary periods. he’d spent most of the day watching old 60’s movies on his macbook, collapsed against the pillows and feeling like a husk. his bed felt like a safe place, no unnatural textures or expectations from strangers. if he had a dollar for every time someone had said “ _ are you sure you don’t want anything else? _ ” or “ _ you’re done? you’ve hardly eaten anything! _ ” he’d have enough money to take another trip to japan. every time he felt the hunger tearing at his stomach like an animal, clawing at his insides, he push his fist into his torso and will it away. he couldn’t do it for much longer, he knew that. maybe he could sneak away tomorrow night, eat at 3 am when nobody was there to watch. matt knew his friends didn’t judge, but something in the back of his brain told him they were disappointed in him. he could hear faint music playing in the living room, probably carson painting and vibing to his tunes. matt didn’t even know who was in the house today. for all he knew, an absolute rager of a party could be happening outside. he shifted in bed, trying to quell the shaking of his hands by shoving them under his pillow. he felt so, so tired, weak from the lack of food, but he knew the gnawing hunger in his stomach would keep him awake. sometimes, he just wished he didn’t have one. 

a knock at the door startled him. his head tilted up, throbbing immediately from the persistent headache he’d been having since last night. nobody had ever checked in on him like that unless they were going somewhere, and nobody had made plans this weekend from what matt knew. he tried sitting up but his arm shook almost violently as he tried to prop himself up. he cursed himself for being so  _ stupid. _

“matt?” jackson’s voice called, and matt felt both relief and guilt, a twisting in his stomach. jackson was who he felt safe with, his rock when he wasn’t okay, but he could feel the anxiety creeping up his spine at the thought of jackson coming through that door. 

“yeah?” he asked, scooting up so he could rest against his headboard. 

“can i come in?” jackson sounded somewhat serious and that scared the shit out of matt, because he could already tell jackson  _ knew.  _ he pushed back the urge to say no.

“yeah!” he attempted to sound cheerful but it was practically impossible. the doorknob clicked and the door swung open gently, and there was jackson, clad in a button-up shirt and his high-waisted jeans, and matt felt moved to tears already. he just didn’t want jackson to be mad at him. matt felt hyper aware of how he was sitting in bed, hoping he didn’t look too sick, shoving his hands in the pockets of his hoodie so jackson couldn’t see him shaking.

“hey.” matt offered. 

“hey, matt.” he padded across the carpet and sat on the edge of matt’s bed, glancing at the five empty water bottles sitting on matt’s nightstand. matt glanced at them with a gulp. he looked like a fucking maniac.

“what’s up?” matt asked, nonchalant, but jackson was staring at him and chewing his lip, fidgeting with his rings.

“i know, matt.”

“know what?” 

“you haven’t been eating.” he looked concerned, his brow furrowed and his face set, and it made matt feel sick to his stomach.  _ he  _ was the reason jackson looked so worried, pensive, and it made matt want to starve himself even more. he hated making his friends nervous for his well-being.

“you haven’t really left your room in three days.” jackson added. “i haven’t seen you in the kitchen at all. or anywhere, really. i’m worried about you.” he paused, obviously waiting for matt to say something, but matt knew he’d start crying if he opened his mouth. he chewed on the inside of his cheek, his hands trembling from inside his pockets. god, he hated himself.

“matt. when was the last time you ate?” jackson asked, and matt looked down at his lap, feeling the wash of guilt crawl up his neck, a lump in his throat. he shouldn’t be worrying jackson like this. jackson put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly, and matt couldn’t hold them back then. his eyes welled up, vision blurry.

“matt, look at me.” it was a command but it felt gentle at the same time, and matt did so, his lip trembling. “when was the last time you ate?”

“i can’t remember.” 

“matt. don’t lie.”

“i c-can’t, jackson-“ matt felt his walls crumbling, tears slipping down his cheeks and plopping onto the bedsheets.

“i’m not mad, matt. i just want you to tell me.”

“thursday morning.” matt admitted it like it was a crime, his voice small and beaten down like a child’s. he was disgusted with himself, how he treated his body and how he made his friends concerned for his well-being, and he just couldn’t stand it anymore, bursting into sobs.

jackson frowned, opening his arms and letting matt fall against his chest, squeezing him tightly. matt knew that jackson could feel him shaking and he cried even harder, his hands grabbing fistfuls of jackson’s shirt and holding him close. jackson felt so  _ warm _ , so welcoming and understanding, and matt felt utterly thankful for him being there, his best friend that understood his weird problems and helped him through it. matt let out all the pain he’d felt for the past few days, crying a damp spot into jackson’s shirt, and jackson coaxed him though it with a hand rubbing his back. his spine could be felt through his hoodie, nubs poking up through the skin.

“i’m sorry, jackson,” matt coughed between sobs, his head pounding from the effort of his tears. “i’m sorry for making you scared.” jackson shook his head.

“no, don’t apologize to me, matt. i told you i’m not mad.” despite these words, matt still felt like jackson was angry with him. “i just hate seeing you do this to yourself. i want you to be safe.” matt wanted to say something, probably more apologies, but his body was wracked with sobs again and he leaned into jackson’s shoulder. matt spent the next few minutes crying before his body had finally dried up, nose red and throat clogged as he sniffled. he knew what was coming next and he dreaded it.

“matt, you know you have to eat something, right?” jackson pulled back to look at him, a hand coming up to stroke matt’s face. matt, though he hated that he had to do it, nodded slowly. jackson nodded in reply, attempting a small smile.

“come on. i’ll help you up.” jackson stood and pulled back the sheets and comforter, extending his hand for matt to grab. matt did so, trembling as his fingers entwined around jackson’s and he squeezed, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and standing up on shaky legs.

jackson kept a hand on his back to support him, taking slow steps across matt’s plush gray carpet. he always liked how it felt against his feet, curling his toes in the fluff. he lingered slightly behind every step jackson took, his head feeling like it was splitting and making him squint to view his path. a part of him was dreading having to face harrison and carson, seeing him in such a weak state and depending on jackson just to fucking  _ walk _ , but to his surprise, they were the only ones in the apartment.

“where is everybody?” matt asked, glancing at the empty couch. jackson shrugged, helping matt into their kitchen.

“no clue. harry is probably with amanda. carson is out talking to all his “art hoe” friends.” the joke elicited a giggle from matt, something he hadn’t done for quite a few days.

“did you just say “art hoe?” where did you learn that from?” matt asked, and jackson shrugged, leaning matt against the counter as he turned to retrieve something from the cabinet.

“i don’t know. twitter.” he shrugged again but he was grinning, grabbing a packet of crackers from one of the higher shelves. ah, crackers. the one comfort food matt could stand. yet, matt was terrified to eat  _ anything  _ in his current state. jackson snatched a water bottle from the fridge and placed both items on the counter, stepping back and watching matt’s face like it was some sort of peace offering. matt peeked at the packet of crackers, reaching out with nimble fingers to open the plastic and grab ahold of the salty food. matt took a deep breath, feeling the familiar drown of anxiety creeping up his throat and into his lungs, and he closed his eyes before plopping the cracker into his mouth.

he let the salty, crunchy texture dance over his teeth and tongue, pleasing to his senses, and he started to chew. matt hated when foods got to their chewed state, a film of scunge sliding down his throat, but he tried not to think of it as he swallowed the cracker. finally.

“that’s good, matt.” jackson commented softly, genuinely proud from what matt could hear in his voice. his face felt flushed then, staring down at the water bottle he was opening. jackson’s hand reached out, making him pause.

“no water, yet. one more cracker before you drink.” matt knew it was for his own good, so he set down the bottle and ate another cracker. the more he chewed and crunched, the more that the familiarity of eating came back to him, his stomach practically whining for more. matt knew if he ate too much, he could throw up, and that would be even  _ worse _ . he knew from experience, hacking up pure acid into the toilet and feeling his insides shudder as they searched for things to dredge up, like bodies in a lake. he took a gulp of water and ate three more crackers until jackson looked satisfied.

“we can chill in your room for today if you want. i’ll keep these so you can eat a little more every now and then, build up your tolerance for food.” he grabbed the packet and the water, and matt clung to his arm as they walked back into his bedroom. his stomach had finally quelled for now, even if matt knew it would be growling at him in about two hours. 

“you need a shower, but i don’t want you going in just yet. i’m worried you might pass out.” jackson let matt sit down on the edge of the bed, setting down the food on matt’s nightstand and turning back around to his dresser. he pulled out a red crewneck and some shorts, handing them to matt so he could change.

“you can wear these for now.” he turned around for matt’s privacy, and matt steadily removed his clothing, slipping into the clean sweater and breathing in the scent of the laundry. it felt comforting and right, just like jackson’s presence in the room with him. once he was finally changed, he snuggled under his bedsheets and jackson joined him, laying over top of the sheets with his hands clasped in his lap.

“what’re we watching?” he asked, and matt pulled his laptop up, searching through his different movie options.

“pillow talk is a good one. complicated, but nice.” matt clicked on the film, listening to the jingle of the beginning credits. his neck was in an awkward position against the pillows, shuffling to get comfortable, when jackson opened his arms again and beckoned for him. matt sidled onto his chest, breathing in the inviting scent of cologne and citrus essential oils, immediately closing his eyes. he could begin to feel the wave of sleep wash over him, drowsiness weighing down his eyelids. jackson’s hand wound its way into his hair, stroking the soft locks and making matt feel even sleepier.

  
yes, things were  _ far  _ from okay still. matt had only eaten a few crackers and he seemed a long ways away from eating full meals, too weak to walk on his own or take hot showers or even face his friends by himself. he knew he’d have to call ryan later tonight and tell him what happened, but the thought of admitting his actions out loud again made him cringe. however, progress is progress as jackson always said, and matt could only do what he was strong enough to do for now. he was thankful for jackson, how sweet and selfless he was, how he didn’t make matt feel wrong or strange or unwanted. he knew matt had problems and he was supportive no matter what. in his safe bed with his safe person, listening to the sounds of doris day and rock hudson argue on his macbook, a hand playing with his hair, matt finally fell asleep without feeling guilty. it was needed.


End file.
